Thursday, October 27, 2016

Kiss and Tell

I had an interesting conversation with our 10-year-old son last night. He had a field trip yesterday and sat next to another boy on the bus (for 2 hours total), Brett (name changed). While I was doing dishes last night after his dad left for a meeting, he came and asked me a few questions. His little brother and sister were in the room.

K: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Me: Sure!
K: Brett said sex takes an hour.
Me: Really?
K: He also said that they kiss each other's private parts. He said he's had sex and he and the girl kissed each other's private parts.
Me: You know, I will talk to you about this, but your brother and sister are right there. Let's talk about it where we can have a more private conversation.

About 20 minutes later the younger two children were occupied with a game in another room.
Me: Hey buddy, we can talk about that now.
K: So, does sex take an hour?
Me: Well, I suppose it could. A man and woman's bodies take some time to be able to start responding to certain touches for sex to work the way it should. It may not take as long as an hour, but it's a process that doesn't just happen really quickly usually. It depends on the man and wife.
K: Okay. Well, what about kissing their private parts?
Me: That is something that a husband and wife decide if they like. It just depends on the couple. Some husbands and wives may like that kind of touching, but other husbands and wives might not like it. It's private and decided between husband and wife how they like to touch each other and be touched like that.
K: So, do you and dad ever kiss each other like that?
Me: I am more than happy to answer your questions about sex and help you understand it, but when it comes to the private parts of my relationship with your dad, I am going to keep that between me and your dad. I can answer your questions about sex, but I also want to keep the details of my relationship with dad special and between us. Things like how often dad and I have sex or what we like to do are private for us. Every relationship is going to be different.
K: You and dad still have sex! You are done having babies, though! (He caught the present tense of my language I guess. Also, WHAT??? We've had this conversation about the other reason for sex multiple times.......I guess this is another good reminder. Maybe it will stick this time......)
Me: Do you remember the other reason for sex?
K: Oh yeah! ( I guess he just needed a reminder) It's because it feels good.
Me: Well, yeah. It strengthens the relationship between a husband and wife.
K: That's what I meant. Mom, is kissing private parts wrong? Is it against the commandments?
Me: You know, it's not against the commandments, but it's definitely private. It's something you decide with your wife when you are married.
K: It's just gross!
Me: I know it sounds gross now. It may not sound so gross when you get older. Any other questions?
K: No.

Our oldest is moving into this stage where he doesn't always believe me or his dad over his friends. For example, this clown killer thing has had the kids talking at school A TON. Our son has been worried. We tried to reassure him, but he was insistent that the kids at school had really seen some things on the internet that gave them more credibility than me or dad. I finally asked him to pray about it and ask Heavenly Father to help him discern the truth so he could feel at peace. That helped. Having him come to me and believe me over his friends regarding sex was very comforting to me. He came to me with the attitude that I knew more than his friends because we've been talking about it so long and we've been open about it. He realizes that his friends are often misinformed. I also realize that his friends must be seeing some pornography or hearing some really inappropriate things from the adults in their lives. It is not typical for a 10-year-old boy to know about oral sex.

Soon, I will be defining this for our son as oral sex. I didn't use the term yet, but I want to make sure he understands this "kissing" for what it is. Many youth justify some of these types of behaviors because they aren't really "going all the way." We want him to understand and know things for what they are. This was his first introduction to oral sex, so I didn't define it for him yet. I took the conversation where he needed to take it. We'll follow up soon and see if he has any more questions. Whew! What is middle school going to be like next year??????

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